Living through your children

When parents nurture leftover ambitions, they foist them on their children, causing them untold trauma and stress. In the process they end up ruining their lives, damaging their relationships and sometimes losing them forever. What’s most disturbing is that these children pay a heavy price for not having had the maturity or the courage (at a later stage) to firmly refuse their parents’ demands. “Had they insisted that the path chosen for them by their parents was certainly not the one they fancied, these children would have been saved the agony of feeling out of place all through their adult lives. Many parents push their hidden agendas through their children because they believe that it’s good for them. Parents often say ‘it’s for your good,’ which often isn’t,” says psychologist Dr Anjali Chabria. Narrating an incident Dr Chabria says, “A patient’s mother once came to me saying that her daughter has stopped reacting to anything and that she has gone into severe depression. When the mother narrated a story I understood that it was a typical case of mothers forcing their ambitions on their kids, which they were unable to fulfill. The patient’s mother was a junior artiste who had actually entered the film industry hoping to be a star. While it looked like she had resigned herself to her less fortunate fate, the fact was she had held on her dreams all along. When her daughter turned nine she got her a few bit roles. As she turned 14, the mother insisted that she wear make-up, high heels and padded bras, and visit producers’ offices. Her daughter got the first break through the ‘casting couch’. With the ruthless mother driving her daughter all through and making all decisions, she unknowingly made her daughter’s life miserable. A mother’s blind ambition led to her daughter’s miserable state.” A lot of young adults with psychological problems confess to being exploited by their over-ambitious parents. Many among them suffer from anxiety disorders with panic attacks, neurotic guilt and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Sujatha Menon, a teacher and a counselor from Vizag says, “I remember how my student Krishna Kumar was battling both obesity and depression. During counseling he talked about how he enjoyed swimming as a child. He shared that his troubles began the day when his father decided that Krishna had the ability to become a champion. That was the end of his joy of swimming. The early morning fitness regime and being timed while he did his laps became a nightmare as his father pushed him to try harder and harder.” Every medal he won only added to his woes. Angry and depressed, he resorted to comfort eating and had put on a lot of weight. His self-defeating lifestyle was a sort of revenge on his father. After a lot of counseling he recovered, but that was for his pleasure: but many are not so lucky. If parents were fully aware that their own desires and ambitions had the potential to push the children they claim to love in to such a crisis, what choices would they make? Would they hold back their desires and put their children’s desires ahead? Actor Mahima Choudhury says, “We parents are simply trustees of God’s children. We are supposed to nurture and unconditionally love them without dictating their lives. Every children have their special abilities which when actualised, will fulfill purpose of their life and give them satisfaction. Gifted children can excel when their talents are polished a bit.” Children need to be themselves to be able to live meaningful lives. Loving your children unconditionally means setting them free. Fashionista, Queeny Dhody says, “The trouble starts when parents try to push a moderately talented child into becoming a superstar. This leads to anger.”

A dictionary for women

Humour

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. — A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. — What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. — You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he “made the dinner”. Childbirth (child*brth) n. — You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus...breathe....push....” Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. — The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. — To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. — What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. — Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician”. Lipstick (lip*stik) n. — On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. — Before children, a verb meaning “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. — A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. — Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim.

Talk of the town

The Nizam jinx comes true again? Everyone felt 2008 was a bad year, little did they know 2009 will start on an even more dreadful note. The Satyam scam has not finished just the Rajus but many others who invested in their company. Rumour is a politician too has invested a lot of money in this fraud company. Ironically, when analysts say “only hardcore gamblers could have done what the Rajus did,” perhaps they do not know that the Raju brothers are “great gamblers.” While Ramalinga Raju quit playing cards, publically atleast, his younger brother Rama Raju still plays with a close set of friends. And their stakes are mind boggling. Venkatesh Roddam, Malli Raju and others who quit Satyam few months ago must be thanking their stars now. The Satyam Rajus and NCC Rajus paid a bomb for a property around KBR Park. They wanted to start a star hotel there. Now of course it doesn’t seem a possibility but the superstition “that anyone who dealt with the Nizam’s property has been wiped out” has come true in this case too. The NCC Rajus must seek divine help to remain untouched. All the Rajus seem to have incredible highs and lows. The first Raju family to make it really big was the Raasi cements promoter BVG Raju. Suddenly he sold his company, divided the property between himself and the three daughters. Then came the Nagarjuna Fertilisers Raju. His rise was mindboggling. Today he’s facing a jail sentence. The Siris Rajus too were very happening at one time. Not anymore.

Who, What, When, Where, and why

Who did Malini Alexander bring home recently? Turtle, a puppy dog. What were people dying to see at Tanya-Zubin’s engagement party? Tanya’s diamond ring. When Rama Raju and wife Sandhya walked into a party, everyone looked up to them in awe. Wonder whether it will be the same now? Cos when Global Trust Bank was doing well, Ramesh Gelli and his sons were quite sought after. Today, they look lost. Where was A photographed kissing a girl’s derriere recently? Some guys are seen behaving rather vulgarly at parties. They must learn from the T’wood brigade. They are equally game for a bit of fun, but never caught in photographs. Why is Raju Naik moving around with a bodyguard?

Don’t get disheartened

Grandma's advice

QMy parents don’t approve of my marriage with my girlfriend. I am 34 and run a successful business. I have been pressing for my marriage for the past two years and my parents don’t seem to take any interest. My two sisters are already married and I am the eldest in the family. When I told my parents that I love a girl who is employed and earning a good salary, they did not approve of it. The girl hails from our own community and there is no ground for my parents to disapprove this relationship. Under the circumstances, I got married in the registrar’s office about a fortnight back. Even at that time, I invited my parents to come and bless us. They did not turn up. I seek your advice. Dear man, You did the right thing by going ahead and marrying the girl of your choice. But you must realise that since your decision was not approved by your parents, they will obviously need time to accept your marriage. While it does appear very strange as to why your parents seemed so reluctant to get you married, it could be that they didn’t really approve of the girl but didn’t want to admit it. Or it could be their ego coming in their way of accepting the fact that you have found your own life partner. However, since you and your wife are mature adults and are financially independent, you must get on with your lives. Be patient and continue to win your parents over. You could also get your sisters to convince your parents into accepting your marriage. Don’t get disheartened, I’m pretty sure this problem will be resolved soon. Having problems with your marriage? Want to talk about it? Write to Grandma and take her advice. Letters must be addressed to: Grandma’s advice Lifestyle, 58,5th floor, H.M.Towers, Brigade Road, Bengaluru or email it to grandma@deccanmail.com

Bachchans-SRK cold war

The New Year could have brought about a thaw in the Bachchan-SRK relationship, well almost. Apparently, one of the biggest international luxury brand wanted to launch in India, and who better to promote their goodies than the King Khan and the perennial Queen of Bollywood, Ash. But given the frosty relationship between the two, the ad guys headed to Mannat to see if it was okay with the Badshaah to shoot this campaign with Ash. To everyone’s surprise SRK nodded in agreement. But only when technicalities were being sorted out, Ash figured that she was going to be paid almost half the price SRK was commanding. It didn’t take long for Ash to thumb down the offer, and the saga continues. In fact, if anything, things are expected to turn for the worse with SRK’s Billoo Barber and Abhishek’s Dilli 6 releasing on the same day at the box-office. With SRK movies already fixing up their release dates months in advance, it was up to Dilli 6 director Rakeysh Mehra to work out his release date accordingly. But Mehra refused to do so. SRK is said to be setting his machinery in full swing and his production company is ready to swamp the multiplexes with the prints of his film. And though Billoo Barber is a SRK production, it’s a know fact that he only has a cameo in the film. So Shah Rukh, the smart businessman that he is, has reduced his price for the project to make it more appealing to the distributors. Besides that, there are efforts already in motion from the SRK’s coterie of people to run down Abhishek’s film. The Bachchans are biding their time, watching SRK’s next move.